Shortest. Book. Ever.

Regnery Publishing is a company that puts out books for the extremely gullible. Like the blind, it's a niche market, but much bigger than you would think. If you're a fringe conservative that no one has ever heard of, chances are that Regnery has published three titles by you.

Their sales model is interesting, too. You see, the unload a ton of those fuckers for a nickle each on the conservative book clubs that you see advertised in the National Review, and then they can claim that a given title is a "bestseller." It's a pretty good scam, and I wish that I had thought of it first.

My guess is that there are going to be a lot of nickles shelled out for former Miss California Carrie Prejean's forthcoming book, Still Stupid Standing. Just don't expect it to be an overly long book.

You see, there's really only one good reason to be against gay marriage. That would be that you're very, very superstitious. In my theological studies, I've learned that God almost never strikes folks down for what other folks. Well, the New Testament God doesn't. That other dude is fucking crazy!

And that, teenagers, ain't a real long read. Why just look at how short this post is.

My favorite people of all are the one's - like a certain president of the United States I could name - who say that they are against gay marriage, but for civil unions. Because they're separate, yet equal! And if that was good enough for black folks for a century, what do the homos have to bitch about?

Of course, I imagine that a good percentage of Carrie Prejean's book will be her complaining about how mean people were to her because she's stupid. And that's just factually incorrect. How many of you have gotten free tits from a corporation? I think that's pretty nice, myself. And she keeps appearing on television, despite having no discernible talent other than confusing my penis.

I feel bad for Carrie because she will make no money from this book. As a general rule, the royalty rate on a nickle sucks.

If she was smart, she'd write How To Get Corporate America to Give You Free Tits! I assure you that a book like that would be a genuine bestseller.

Sadly, no one has ever accused Carrie of being all that bright.

Of course, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she'll promote it by suckerpunching Perez Hilton. People seem to enjoy it when that happens.